The road of forgiveness (part two)

(note: this will not make sense without first reading part one)

It was very strange when, all of a sudden, Lee was almost completely out of my life. Then, I had nowhere to direct the anger I felt. It was almost completely hidden under the surface by that time, but still, even anger not shown needs an object. It was then I had to confront the real issues, especially my own heart!
I don't have a six-step plan to forgiveness or anything like that. It certainly wasn't that way for me, though I have no doubt that such plans can help some people. It had an order about it though, and I will try to put it down as it happened.
First and foremost, God had been working in me. As I mentioned, I still believed in Him through all of this, but He felt so very, very far away. The missions trip I was able to take to Lima Peru in 2007 was amazing on so many levels, but one of the most important things was that it brought me back to God on a deeper level than I had ever been before. I had studied a lot of apologetics, arguments on both sides of many subjects relating to worldview, the Bible, and science, and I believed the favor rested decidedly on the side of the basic christian worldview. But I had moved away in my heart- I doubted the goodness of God, without even realizing that was what I was doing. When I tried to describe how I felt before the trip to Peru, all I could come up with was labels like numb, and asleep- barely moving through existence. I believe I made the motions all right, but that was all. It would have been impossible to forgive Lee had I not allowed God re-entrance to direct my life. In fact, I hardly think I would have wanted to, or even thought about it.
After that, I had to face the lies I had been believing about myself and come to accept that they were not true. This was very difficult, but I began by reading what God said about worth and human value in the Bible. If I said I believed His word, I needed to show it by accepting it all. Then I allowed any compliments I received to be believed. This part is still a work in progress, since I usually feel that people are being too nice!
At the same time, I kept being struck by all the verses I was reading about forgiveness in the Bible. Things like the story of Joseph in Genesis 37 and 39-45, the unforgiving brother in the story of the Prodigal Son, and all the verses throughout the new testament writings. It was clear that I had to forgive. I had no idea where to start, so I began at the only logical place: with prayer.
I started out by saying things like, "God, help me to forgive him... but then you know how hard it is, I'm sure you understand why I just cannot at this time." But as it became more and more clear that I could not have joy in my life if I kept on being stubborn, my prayer gradually changed. I said instead, "God, I have decided to forgive him. I don't feel it yet though, please change my heart so I can feel it." I found out that, like love, forgiveness is not a feeling. Its nothing like a feeling at all. Married people may wake up in the morning and not feel in love, but they DO love because they made the choice to. They do not leave each other every time they don't feel the zing of emotions. Feelings come and go but the decision can remain constant. And if the decision is made, the feelings will follow. I have found that out. :-) Will I still feel like I forgive him if I see him tomorrow? I don't know. But I do know that I could look him in the face and say, "I forgive you." I'm sure there would be a huge emotional battle if I find out tomorrow that the court is sending him back to live with us. But the decision will never leave.
One of the huge things I struggled with was the thought that if I forgave, everything would have to be as it was before. I would feel happy when I saw him, there would be conversations and hanging out and joking and laughing. There was no conceivable way in my mind that that could happen. I can see now that the past never leaves- I cannot and should not pretend it never happened. If he ever came back, there would be a lot to rebuild, and I wouldn't try to do it all at once. Maybe the relationship would never be the same again. But that is completely different from freeing myself by forgiving.
Another thing I found was that unforgiveness cannot live peacefully with joy and happiness. One of them was going to have to win out, and I knew which of them I wanted to win! For forgiving someone, it helps to, again, CHOOSE joy and happiness. Happiness itself may come and go, but joy is a lasting thing that can remain no matter what the circumstances. It also helps very much to quit hiding and get out and enjoy life!! If there is a choice between taking a walk outside with your pet or sticking it out on a line and retreating indoors to a TV or computer, go outside. If you can meet with friends instead of emailing and IMing, by all means, do it.

The feeling of forgiveness is a journey, a road. The decision, though, can be made once and for all!

p.s. Unforgiveness is of the same species as hate. I imagine each has some of the other in it. This is a quote I found recently that succinctly sums up one of the important reasons to forgive: "Let go of that hate in your heart, it will kill you quicker than cancer." - Benny Carter

The Road of Forgiveness (part one)

This is an odd subject to start a blog off with, nevertheless it seems important. So many people I know are struggling to forgive somebody- maybe it's their parents, who divorced, or a friend who betrayed them in some way, or a bully, or perhaps even themselves. I'm going to share my story in hopes that it might help someone else who is struggling to forgive. I've been there- not because of my parents divorcing (they are very much together) or a friends betrayal, though betrayal is an element of it. It is my brother, who was adopted into our family when we were both 11. I had been basically an only child since the youngest of my two brothers is 11 years older than me. I was so excited to have a sibling! My parents had been working through the adoption process and red tape for years, in fact Lee had been living with us for several years as a foster child before the adoption went through. Everything went well for awhile, just as it had in the years before he was adopted. Slowly though, things began to change. I'm not going to go into all the details of everything that happened, or anything really that isn't relevant to why I needed to forgive him.
He began to, basically, get himself into a lot of trouble. He would refuse to be told what to do by mom or dad, though dad's influence lasted a little longer. It tore me apart to watch my family being ripped apart. For awhile, I cried constantly and prayed, but as time went on I began to grow numb to everything and hide inside myself. Not many people knew what was really happening, because he was/is an expert at being two-faced, and especially at telling counselors and teachers everything that they wanted to hear. No one would believe me, in fact I remember vividly being chewed out by extended family members for not being more understanding of him.
Truly, those few years were as close a thing as I can imagine to living in a hell on earth. He didn't do much to me physically- in the first place for awhile I was still bigger than him, in the second place it was hard for him to get away with that. I had a few bruises every once in awhile, though the biggest thing I remember is the night he suddenly grew angry and tried to strangle me. Mostly, though, he hurt where no one could see- with his words. I heard more swear and derogatory words from him than anyone else, and they were usually directed at either me or mom. The worst part was his attacks on everything I loved most- God, family, friends, horses, music, etc- and he wouldn't miss a chance to make fun of me. My doorway was his daily stop on the way home from school to his room. He would stand and whisper just loud enough for me to hear, things like ugly, monster, stupid, fat cow, fatso, and whore were phrases I heard applied to me on a daily basis. Those were the more polite ones that I can bring myself to write. Today it still amazes me to look in the mirror and see an average girl, a few flaws, a few nice features, and not overweight either. For well over a year, anytime I looked in the mirror I truly saw a person resembling a blimp with a grotesque face, who everyone really hated but were nice enough to pretend to like. Needless to say, I may have believed in God at that point but I had no relationship with Him. I had let my anchor get kicked out and had no basis for believing I had worth.
I remember one time I made the mistake of mentioning in his presence that my biggest dream was someday to marry and have a family, a vegetable garden, pets, the whole works. (that still is my dream!) He unfortunately had a good ear for anything he knew would hurt me. His new favorite comments after that was that no man would want me, after all, couldn't I see that I was the most ugly girl on earth? In fact, maybe I wasn't a girl, but some sort of she-male, no, better yet, just "it". I would be a terrible mother. I wouldn't even make a good prostitute... on and on it went.
It has been over two years since Lee has lived at home. For the first year, Dad decided for the sake of family safety to live with Lee in town. Then after following some dumb actions on his part Lee ended up in the hospital a few times and then at a emergency foster home where he still is.
So- he is gone. But what to do now with the hurt left behind? Where should I begin picking up the pieces? I'll write about forgiving him on the next post. It was not easy by any means of the word! But, it was very very important. Not forgiving someone is like a poison, and it will eat away at you. I think that is where a lot of Lee's problems came from to begin with. He became part of a new family, but had never forgiven his biological family.

More to come- and some more light-hearted posts too!