The Road of Forgiveness (part one)

This is an odd subject to start a blog off with, nevertheless it seems important. So many people I know are struggling to forgive somebody- maybe it's their parents, who divorced, or a friend who betrayed them in some way, or a bully, or perhaps even themselves. I'm going to share my story in hopes that it might help someone else who is struggling to forgive. I've been there- not because of my parents divorcing (they are very much together) or a friends betrayal, though betrayal is an element of it. It is my brother, who was adopted into our family when we were both 11. I had been basically an only child since the youngest of my two brothers is 11 years older than me. I was so excited to have a sibling! My parents had been working through the adoption process and red tape for years, in fact Lee had been living with us for several years as a foster child before the adoption went through. Everything went well for awhile, just as it had in the years before he was adopted. Slowly though, things began to change. I'm not going to go into all the details of everything that happened, or anything really that isn't relevant to why I needed to forgive him.
He began to, basically, get himself into a lot of trouble. He would refuse to be told what to do by mom or dad, though dad's influence lasted a little longer. It tore me apart to watch my family being ripped apart. For awhile, I cried constantly and prayed, but as time went on I began to grow numb to everything and hide inside myself. Not many people knew what was really happening, because he was/is an expert at being two-faced, and especially at telling counselors and teachers everything that they wanted to hear. No one would believe me, in fact I remember vividly being chewed out by extended family members for not being more understanding of him.
Truly, those few years were as close a thing as I can imagine to living in a hell on earth. He didn't do much to me physically- in the first place for awhile I was still bigger than him, in the second place it was hard for him to get away with that. I had a few bruises every once in awhile, though the biggest thing I remember is the night he suddenly grew angry and tried to strangle me. Mostly, though, he hurt where no one could see- with his words. I heard more swear and derogatory words from him than anyone else, and they were usually directed at either me or mom. The worst part was his attacks on everything I loved most- God, family, friends, horses, music, etc- and he wouldn't miss a chance to make fun of me. My doorway was his daily stop on the way home from school to his room. He would stand and whisper just loud enough for me to hear, things like ugly, monster, stupid, fat cow, fatso, and whore were phrases I heard applied to me on a daily basis. Those were the more polite ones that I can bring myself to write. Today it still amazes me to look in the mirror and see an average girl, a few flaws, a few nice features, and not overweight either. For well over a year, anytime I looked in the mirror I truly saw a person resembling a blimp with a grotesque face, who everyone really hated but were nice enough to pretend to like. Needless to say, I may have believed in God at that point but I had no relationship with Him. I had let my anchor get kicked out and had no basis for believing I had worth.
I remember one time I made the mistake of mentioning in his presence that my biggest dream was someday to marry and have a family, a vegetable garden, pets, the whole works. (that still is my dream!) He unfortunately had a good ear for anything he knew would hurt me. His new favorite comments after that was that no man would want me, after all, couldn't I see that I was the most ugly girl on earth? In fact, maybe I wasn't a girl, but some sort of she-male, no, better yet, just "it". I would be a terrible mother. I wouldn't even make a good prostitute... on and on it went.
It has been over two years since Lee has lived at home. For the first year, Dad decided for the sake of family safety to live with Lee in town. Then after following some dumb actions on his part Lee ended up in the hospital a few times and then at a emergency foster home where he still is.
So- he is gone. But what to do now with the hurt left behind? Where should I begin picking up the pieces? I'll write about forgiving him on the next post. It was not easy by any means of the word! But, it was very very important. Not forgiving someone is like a poison, and it will eat away at you. I think that is where a lot of Lee's problems came from to begin with. He became part of a new family, but had never forgiven his biological family.

More to come- and some more light-hearted posts too!