What are you thankful for today?
Sunshine?
Good health, either for you or family and friends?
an adventure?
a good book?
God's Word?
a warm house?
pets?
a letter from a friend?
music?
freedom?
truth?
Why don't you take a moment to thank God for everything that He has given you?
Dear Father,
Thank You so much. There are so many, many things to thank You for! Thank you for Your amazing grace. Thank you for family, and for beauty and sunshine. For music and laughter and friends- I praise You and thank You. Every moment is a precious gift. Thank you for Your presence in hard times, and for never giving up on us. You are holy, just, loving, faithful, and true. Thank you for the knowledge of truth. Help me to be more like You and to serve You and others more faithfully.
Amen.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
The Faithfulness of God
As the Bible says, "His mercies are new every morning."
I have been struck with how amazing God is. Even through difficult times, He is there, guiding and leading us. Though we may question His being there at all, He is working all things to His purpose, and we can put our faith in His plans and purpose.
I was counting my blessings today and it amazed me how much the blessings outweighed the difficulties. Family, friends, fun times, learning experiences, a special 'aha!' moment, simple things, music, pets, wise words... how is God speaking to you today?
Remember James 1:17- "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."
I pray that you will see God's hand on your life today.
I have been struck with how amazing God is. Even through difficult times, He is there, guiding and leading us. Though we may question His being there at all, He is working all things to His purpose, and we can put our faith in His plans and purpose.
I was counting my blessings today and it amazed me how much the blessings outweighed the difficulties. Family, friends, fun times, learning experiences, a special 'aha!' moment, simple things, music, pets, wise words... how is God speaking to you today?
Remember James 1:17- "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."
I pray that you will see God's hand on your life today.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Reformation Day
October 31 is a widely known holiday called "Halloween". I won't go into the history of Halloween here; suffice it to say that the original intent has changed over the years. But did you know that October 31 is also the day in 1517 when Martin Luther nailed his famous 95 Theses to the door of the church in Wittenberg? This event was a catalyst that prompted the Protestant Reformation.
Instead of dressing up as a witch or vampire and having a night of revelry, consider instead finding a way to celebrate the reformers and what they did to change the dynamics of church history.
The reformers encouraged things that Christians often take for granted today- reading the Bible, and an understanding of salvation by the grace of God through faith, not the works of man.
Maybe you could have a party with your church or friends. There are many possibilities for such a party:
*choose a reformer (Martin Luther, William Tyndale, John Calvin, etc) and watch a movie about his life.
* dress up in period-style costumes
* have a teacher explain some of the teachings of the reformers in a simple, fun way
* have food from that time period, or food of the country of the reformer you choose
* learn a dance from the time period
* have a long strip of paper for younger children to decorate with events from the Reformation.
One Reformation Day party I attended included a mini golf course made just for the occasion, each hole representing something from the Reformer's life. As you can see, there are many, many possibilities.
Have a wonderful Reformation Day!
Instead of dressing up as a witch or vampire and having a night of revelry, consider instead finding a way to celebrate the reformers and what they did to change the dynamics of church history.
The reformers encouraged things that Christians often take for granted today- reading the Bible, and an understanding of salvation by the grace of God through faith, not the works of man.
Maybe you could have a party with your church or friends. There are many possibilities for such a party:
*choose a reformer (Martin Luther, William Tyndale, John Calvin, etc) and watch a movie about his life.
* dress up in period-style costumes
* have a teacher explain some of the teachings of the reformers in a simple, fun way
* have food from that time period, or food of the country of the reformer you choose
* learn a dance from the time period
* have a long strip of paper for younger children to decorate with events from the Reformation.
One Reformation Day party I attended included a mini golf course made just for the occasion, each hole representing something from the Reformer's life. As you can see, there are many, many possibilities.
Have a wonderful Reformation Day!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Life Purpose Planning
As part of my CollegePlus! studies, I am going through a little workbook called 'Life Purpose Planning'. It has been very helpful (much more so than I originally thought) The price of the book is very reasonable- $7- and I recommend it highly to any student. :) Check it out here: http://lifepurposeplanning.org/index.html
Throughout the book there are various questions to answer, which all lead up to discovering your God given life purpose. They emphasize very strongly the need for prayer and collaboration with parents/mentors throughout the process. I just finished my life purpose statement and will share it here as an example of what the book helps you to discover. They help you to personalize it so that each line, even each word, is just exactly 'you'. This is a very important project, since if you aim high, you will end high, but if you don't have any target, guess what- you probably won't hit one.
"My passion is to live a life that is inwardly and outwardly beautiful in the eyes of God and man. I want my relationship with God to be foremost in my thoughts at all times, so that I will live out a joy-filled and powerful testimony to the existence of an amazing God.
My hearts desire is to grow every day in the knowledge of and love for God. I purpose to glorify Him in every moment and circumstance of my life, communicating the truth effectively in love and with wisdom. My life purpose can be summed up in one sentence- I will spend my days pointing others to God. These others include children and teenagers. I will reach them by sharing the best biblically based resources I can find and creating others. Whatever place I am in life I will seek to bless people with an attitude of love, generosity, humility, compassion, and peace. I will seek out opportunities to share with others through writing, speaking, hospitality, and music, and to rescue those lost in the bondage of modern slavery. Whatever I do, I will do all to the glory of God, remaining ever ready to give an answer to every man who asks the reason for the hope that is in me."
I encourage you to check out the website!
God bless and have a beautiful day. :)
Throughout the book there are various questions to answer, which all lead up to discovering your God given life purpose. They emphasize very strongly the need for prayer and collaboration with parents/mentors throughout the process. I just finished my life purpose statement and will share it here as an example of what the book helps you to discover. They help you to personalize it so that each line, even each word, is just exactly 'you'. This is a very important project, since if you aim high, you will end high, but if you don't have any target, guess what- you probably won't hit one.
"My passion is to live a life that is inwardly and outwardly beautiful in the eyes of God and man. I want my relationship with God to be foremost in my thoughts at all times, so that I will live out a joy-filled and powerful testimony to the existence of an amazing God.
My hearts desire is to grow every day in the knowledge of and love for God. I purpose to glorify Him in every moment and circumstance of my life, communicating the truth effectively in love and with wisdom. My life purpose can be summed up in one sentence- I will spend my days pointing others to God. These others include children and teenagers. I will reach them by sharing the best biblically based resources I can find and creating others. Whatever place I am in life I will seek to bless people with an attitude of love, generosity, humility, compassion, and peace. I will seek out opportunities to share with others through writing, speaking, hospitality, and music, and to rescue those lost in the bondage of modern slavery. Whatever I do, I will do all to the glory of God, remaining ever ready to give an answer to every man who asks the reason for the hope that is in me."
I encourage you to check out the website!
God bless and have a beautiful day. :)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Jonny Diaz 'A More Beautiful You'
This is such an important song for both guys and girls to hear.
Girls... we often feel so overwhelmed by the desire to be beautiful, that we don't realize that in God's eyes we already are! Even if you are very secure in yourself and are resting in God's love for you, this is a beautiful song. (thank you to my friend for passing it along to me!)
Guys... For the most part you can't begin to understand the struggles that girls go through... even the most self-assured, beautiful girl you know will have tons of days of looking into the mirror feeling that she doesn't measure up. Please.. tell the girls in your life that they are pretty and worth so much in God's sight. If you don't want to do this for reasons of not wanting to seem like you 'like' that girl, at the very least... don't tease her about her appearance. That can be so devastating, though she will probably never let you know.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
For the girls...
Over on the Rebelution forums there has been a very hot discussion topic among the girls. In fact, it has become over 30 pages!! The subject? Quotes for girls. Now, I know... guys are just as capable of enjoying quotations as girls are. But in many ways, and for many topics, it is a 'girl thing'. So, I have started a blog just for the purpose of sharing encouraging quotes for girls. Right now I have mostly added quotes gathered from the Rebelution forum, but I have plenty more of my own to add and will soon do so. Check it out!
http://quotes4christiangirls.blogspot.com/
The title of the blog is Inspiring God's Girls, and that is exactly what I hope it will do. :-)
http://quotes4christiangirls.blogspot.com/
The title of the blog is Inspiring God's Girls, and that is exactly what I hope it will do. :-)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
one of those 'God thoughts'
Have you ever had God hit you over the head with a thought? He just did that to me recently. It isn't fun, but it is quite revealing.
I was innocently reading through a really good apologetics (defense of the Christian faith) book yesterday. This particular one happened to be an analysis of the ideas and books of some of the 'New Atheists', namely, Richard Dawkins, Sam Haris, and a few others. I was in my very Christian mindset, cheering the author on for every particularly choice arrow shot through the ideas of these men. Then, without any advance warning, God grabbed my heart. (Don't you hate it when you're so right about something and suddenly He shows up??)
It wasn't audible. I've never been one of those people who hears a big voice booming out of heaven. That would be cool... but, no. Instead, it was a nagging little voice that sounded an awful lot like an annoying mosquito, buzzing merrily away just out of reach. Some people may call it a conscience, I call it God.
It said: "okay miss smarty-pants. What would you do if given the opportunity to spend a day with, say, Richard Dawkins?" Me: "well, if given enough warning, I would spend lots of time preparing all sorts of good arguments as to why he is basically an idiot. Based on the biblical understanding of course, I don't mean that in a nasty way, I'm just getting all this from Proverbs and Romans..." It said: "do you think that perhaps those men have heard enough arguments from Christians? Do you think that perhaps they would respond to truth more if they had someone show the caring side of a Christian? I said: "Go away." It said: "Not until you think this through some more."
(SIGH)So, I thought. And wondered. I wondered if Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris have any Christian friends. I wondered if anyone who is a biblical Christian has taken the time to get to know them as people, or if they all avoid them as they would the Swine Flu. I wondered if any Christians took the time to pray for them to come to know God, or if they prayed for them to fall off of a cliff.
I wondered, did I ever think about them as people, or did I merely see them as wrong philosophies to be shot down?
I wondered how God saw my hypocrisy of claiming to care about people and then turning around and tearing down, in my mind, those I saw as worldly smart but not wise.
I've got a long way to go. For the record, I still believe they are wrong, and I want to learn all I can to be able to defend truth against their attacks. At the same time though, I am asking God, in the words of Brandon Heath, to give me His eyes. I want to see them as people, not just as the personification of their ideas.
Yep. God hit me with something just as hard as a two by four this time. I think that is His specialty- adjusting thinking little by little so that it turns more towards Him.
I was innocently reading through a really good apologetics (defense of the Christian faith) book yesterday. This particular one happened to be an analysis of the ideas and books of some of the 'New Atheists', namely, Richard Dawkins, Sam Haris, and a few others. I was in my very Christian mindset, cheering the author on for every particularly choice arrow shot through the ideas of these men. Then, without any advance warning, God grabbed my heart. (Don't you hate it when you're so right about something and suddenly He shows up??)
It wasn't audible. I've never been one of those people who hears a big voice booming out of heaven. That would be cool... but, no. Instead, it was a nagging little voice that sounded an awful lot like an annoying mosquito, buzzing merrily away just out of reach. Some people may call it a conscience, I call it God.
It said: "okay miss smarty-pants. What would you do if given the opportunity to spend a day with, say, Richard Dawkins?" Me: "well, if given enough warning, I would spend lots of time preparing all sorts of good arguments as to why he is basically an idiot. Based on the biblical understanding of course, I don't mean that in a nasty way, I'm just getting all this from Proverbs and Romans..." It said: "do you think that perhaps those men have heard enough arguments from Christians? Do you think that perhaps they would respond to truth more if they had someone show the caring side of a Christian? I said: "Go away." It said: "Not until you think this through some more."
(SIGH)So, I thought. And wondered. I wondered if Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris have any Christian friends. I wondered if anyone who is a biblical Christian has taken the time to get to know them as people, or if they all avoid them as they would the Swine Flu. I wondered if any Christians took the time to pray for them to come to know God, or if they prayed for them to fall off of a cliff.
I wondered, did I ever think about them as people, or did I merely see them as wrong philosophies to be shot down?
I wondered how God saw my hypocrisy of claiming to care about people and then turning around and tearing down, in my mind, those I saw as worldly smart but not wise.
I've got a long way to go. For the record, I still believe they are wrong, and I want to learn all I can to be able to defend truth against their attacks. At the same time though, I am asking God, in the words of Brandon Heath, to give me His eyes. I want to see them as people, not just as the personification of their ideas.
Yep. God hit me with something just as hard as a two by four this time. I think that is His specialty- adjusting thinking little by little so that it turns more towards Him.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
an inspirational writing
Thank you to Bridget from the Rebelution forums for letting me post this. :-)
Now be honest girls-- how many of us could relate to something like this?
He likes me, better like him back.
Wear my nicest clothes, be sure to impress.
Each step I take opens my heart another crack
Till it is open and pouring out.
Then comes the bad news
-He likes someone else.
Now my heart is badly cracked.
Can I ever heal it?
I cry and wipe my tears till they're all dried up.
I grab a few strings and bind my heart up quick
Before anyone sees that I am hurting
And points, and laughs.
Now my heart has cracks, its seeping out all over
It drops on clothes and attitudes
And shows up on my face.
I laugh and flirt some more
So my broken heart won't kill me.
But it's not working, that last fling broke my heart in two.
My life has been ruined
All hope has left.
The darkness surrounds me, suffocating me
Life is empty
No meaning at all
I've tried to ignore it
But now it has caught up with me
I don't know why I was even born
Nothing matters, no one seems to care.
Life is like a vacuum, Sucking me up till I'm at the bottom
The force is strong, no one else seems to resist.
Why should I?
I cry and wish to die
To curl up in a ball
And never stand again.
But then I hear a voice
Whispering softly, gently to me
''Give it all up, my dear, I know how you feel,''
''I died for you, and I'm here to tell you that I love you.''
I sob as I listen to the voice of GOD
Then with a 'yes' and an uplifted hand
I give up all my dreams
All my hopes, all my life
All my fears and all my hurts
I give up everything that I once longed for
And realize I need something more.
I surrender my life and let HIM take control.
Then, his arms surround me so tenderly
My tears stop, replaced with joy.
I feel His love within me, so strong, it heals my heart.
My heart is better now, with only scars to remind me
Of the time when I was alone, looking in the wrong place for love.
But now I'm not alone, I've got a King for a daddy
And a Prince for a big brother.
I'll never forget how my new family rescued me
It cost so much, that GOD had to give up HIS only SON
Jesus died-for me!
I was an orphan, alone and dirty
I was dying in the gutter, until HE rescued me.
HE didn't care that I had given my heart away.
All HE asked for was my heart, my life, and my love.
I've given my heart to HIM, He'll keep it, and nourish it
Until the perfect time.
And then, with joy in HIS voice and love in HIS eyes
He'll say; ''Well done, daughter.''
And I will be able to turn and say to the love of my life
''Here, I give me heart to you, my daddy kept it until now.''
''I know you won't break it, I trust you with my life.''
''And since my daddy had my heart, I couldn't just give it away.''
''You had to ask HIM for it, and because you proved yourself worthy,''
''Here's my heart.''
But until then, O GOD
I give YOU my heart.
I surrender all to YOU.
Keep me enthralled in YOUR love
So that none other can distract.
Pick me up and twirl me around.
Give me faith to not fear.
Set my feet on higher ground
I want to reach new heights and never look back.
I want to praise YOU for who YOU are
And I will give glory to YOUR name.
I give YOU the key to my heart, and control of my thoughts.
Show me the way of purity.
I will trust YOU-
With my life, with my future
With my love, and with my heart.
Now be honest girls-- how many of us could relate to something like this?
He likes me, better like him back.
Wear my nicest clothes, be sure to impress.
Each step I take opens my heart another crack
Till it is open and pouring out.
Then comes the bad news
-He likes someone else.
Now my heart is badly cracked.
Can I ever heal it?
I cry and wipe my tears till they're all dried up.
I grab a few strings and bind my heart up quick
Before anyone sees that I am hurting
And points, and laughs.
Now my heart has cracks, its seeping out all over
It drops on clothes and attitudes
And shows up on my face.
I laugh and flirt some more
So my broken heart won't kill me.
But it's not working, that last fling broke my heart in two.
My life has been ruined
All hope has left.
The darkness surrounds me, suffocating me
Life is empty
No meaning at all
I've tried to ignore it
But now it has caught up with me
I don't know why I was even born
Nothing matters, no one seems to care.
Life is like a vacuum, Sucking me up till I'm at the bottom
The force is strong, no one else seems to resist.
Why should I?
I cry and wish to die
To curl up in a ball
And never stand again.
But then I hear a voice
Whispering softly, gently to me
''Give it all up, my dear, I know how you feel,''
''I died for you, and I'm here to tell you that I love you.''
I sob as I listen to the voice of GOD
Then with a 'yes' and an uplifted hand
I give up all my dreams
All my hopes, all my life
All my fears and all my hurts
I give up everything that I once longed for
And realize I need something more.
I surrender my life and let HIM take control.
Then, his arms surround me so tenderly
My tears stop, replaced with joy.
I feel His love within me, so strong, it heals my heart.
My heart is better now, with only scars to remind me
Of the time when I was alone, looking in the wrong place for love.
But now I'm not alone, I've got a King for a daddy
And a Prince for a big brother.
I'll never forget how my new family rescued me
It cost so much, that GOD had to give up HIS only SON
Jesus died-for me!
I was an orphan, alone and dirty
I was dying in the gutter, until HE rescued me.
HE didn't care that I had given my heart away.
All HE asked for was my heart, my life, and my love.
I've given my heart to HIM, He'll keep it, and nourish it
Until the perfect time.
And then, with joy in HIS voice and love in HIS eyes
He'll say; ''Well done, daughter.''
And I will be able to turn and say to the love of my life
''Here, I give me heart to you, my daddy kept it until now.''
''I know you won't break it, I trust you with my life.''
''And since my daddy had my heart, I couldn't just give it away.''
''You had to ask HIM for it, and because you proved yourself worthy,''
''Here's my heart.''
But until then, O GOD
I give YOU my heart.
I surrender all to YOU.
Keep me enthralled in YOUR love
So that none other can distract.
Pick me up and twirl me around.
Give me faith to not fear.
Set my feet on higher ground
I want to reach new heights and never look back.
I want to praise YOU for who YOU are
And I will give glory to YOUR name.
I give YOU the key to my heart, and control of my thoughts.
Show me the way of purity.
I will trust YOU-
With my life, with my future
With my love, and with my heart.
Defined-
a smile: something that makes the world a better place.
modesty: tight enough to show you're a woman, loose enough to show you're a lady.
being happy: maybe everything isn't perfect- but you have chosen to see beyond the imperfections.
you: the living expression of God's kindness (how are you doing?)
love: not a fight, but something worth fighting for.
happy endings: God's specialty
beauty: the outward expression of what is in your heart; a God centered life.
life: only what's done for Christ lasts.
courage: not the absence of fear, but the determination that something else is more important than fear.
friends: people who accept us for who we are yet help us to be who we should.
fashion: a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every six months.
confidence: the ability to admit when you've screwed up.
modesty: tight enough to show you're a woman, loose enough to show you're a lady.
being happy: maybe everything isn't perfect- but you have chosen to see beyond the imperfections.
you: the living expression of God's kindness (how are you doing?)
love: not a fight, but something worth fighting for.
happy endings: God's specialty
beauty: the outward expression of what is in your heart; a God centered life.
life: only what's done for Christ lasts.
courage: not the absence of fear, but the determination that something else is more important than fear.
friends: people who accept us for who we are yet help us to be who we should.
fashion: a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every six months.
confidence: the ability to admit when you've screwed up.
Monday, July 6, 2009
every girl a princess
'There was once a little princess who-'
'But, Mr. Author, why do you always write about princesses?'
'Because every little girl is a princess.'
'You will make them vain if you tell them that.'
'Not if they understand what I mean.'
'What do you mean?'
'What do you mean by princess?'
'The daughter of a king.'
'Very well, then every little girl is a princess...'
George MacDonald,
the original beginning of "The Princess and the Goblin".
'But, Mr. Author, why do you always write about princesses?'
'Because every little girl is a princess.'
'You will make them vain if you tell them that.'
'Not if they understand what I mean.'
'What do you mean?'
'What do you mean by princess?'
'The daughter of a king.'
'Very well, then every little girl is a princess...'
George MacDonald,
the original beginning of "The Princess and the Goblin".
Friday, June 5, 2009
creating a habit
They say it takes at least 30 days to cement a habit, which is just a word meaning what you do normally without even thinking about it. I wasn't so sure that was true, because it seemed like such a long time. Then I realized what a short time it really was! It is so easy to get yourself into lazy habits- maybe habits that are not necessarily bad, but not good either. One of mine was sleeping in as late as possible (meaning as late as my 'starving' horses outside would allow) It was super easy to do, because I am more of a night person and would rather watch the sun set, and then be up for hours after that, than to get up early and see a sunrise.
However, it has become a point of self-discipline for me to wake up at 6 (or, okay, 6:30 sometimes) and start my day off well by reading a devotional, praying, and then slipping outside (usually before mom and dad, but not always) to feed those hungry horses. Why? The answer has nothing to do with liking to torture myself, though I questioned that a few times the first week! Mostly, it is to get myself in the right mindset for the day. Getting up earlier instead of curling up into the covers when light comes into the windows is actually a good thing (I found this out much to my astonishment, by the way)
So. My goal is for the rest of this year to start practicing good habits, and give them my all for at least 30 days. My understanding is that I will not have to think about them so much after that, because they will have become part of me, something I just do. At the same time, it is also a good thing to cut a bad or time-wasting habit. I think that this new one of getting up early (hey! 6 is early to ME, okay??) is going to stick. Its gotten easier over the past week. I'm not going to go so far as to promise that I'll turn into a morning person, but then again... you never know what interesting changes can occur when you begin to take charge over your habits instead of letting them take charge over you.
However, it has become a point of self-discipline for me to wake up at 6 (or, okay, 6:30 sometimes) and start my day off well by reading a devotional, praying, and then slipping outside (usually before mom and dad, but not always) to feed those hungry horses. Why? The answer has nothing to do with liking to torture myself, though I questioned that a few times the first week! Mostly, it is to get myself in the right mindset for the day. Getting up earlier instead of curling up into the covers when light comes into the windows is actually a good thing (I found this out much to my astonishment, by the way)
So. My goal is for the rest of this year to start practicing good habits, and give them my all for at least 30 days. My understanding is that I will not have to think about them so much after that, because they will have become part of me, something I just do. At the same time, it is also a good thing to cut a bad or time-wasting habit. I think that this new one of getting up early (hey! 6 is early to ME, okay??) is going to stick. Its gotten easier over the past week. I'm not going to go so far as to promise that I'll turn into a morning person, but then again... you never know what interesting changes can occur when you begin to take charge over your habits instead of letting them take charge over you.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
10 reasons why I feel old
10. We got a phone call today from some friends we hadn't heard from in awhile. They moved out of the area, but we used to do tons of things together. The 13 year old boy who incessantly teased me is now 18, married, and going to be leaving for Afghanistan in June. Aack! :-O
9. I just realized that when the little sister of some other friends turns 16 I am going to be 29.
8. My mom has a temporary job with the Census, which isn't going to last very much longer, but still- isn't it the TEENAGER who is constantly leaving and going different places??
7. I don't get into a lot of popular TV shows. They're ok..but kind of boring in comparison with a great book. I rarely watch TV. I live what Groucho Marx said: "TV is very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go into the other room and read a book."
6. I'd say in general, for the most part anyway, my parents are highly trusting of me. They know that I'm not going to go out and drink, do drugs, or get myself pregnant. That's nice of course though, because trusting parents give a lot more freedoms.
5. I have occasionally been mistaken for Dad's wife when I'm out with him and Mom isn't there. Dad of course finds this incredibly humorous, and tells me it just shows that they think he has good taste! haha... okay, so I laugh about it too. ;-)
4. I've been mistaken for a college student (we live in a college town) since about age 10 or so.
3. I love classical music.
OK, I can't think of any more. Those are surely enough though. ;-) On the other hand, I can think of many reasons why I also feel really young. Like, for instance, I love a rowdy game of freeze tag. I also find other 'little kid games' like hide and seek (especially in the dark!)a lot of fun. I'm not in any particular hurry to move out of the house and assume adult responsibilities- though this might have something to do with not knowing what will happen to my horses! I still love being with family, which according to popular consensus is not cool for a teenager. Mom was worrying about my throat this morning, which has swelled up a little and is warm to touch, she thinks I might have mono or something like that. My reaction: how unfair to have the kissing disease and never been kissed!... though since that one has been my choice maybe it doesn't belong on the list.
what else...
*I still have a lot of my collection of breyer model horses.
* some movies designed for young kids I still love- like Veggie Tales, or Spirit. And I still listen to the kids radio program Adventures in Odyssey.
*sometimes I get in the drivers seat of a car and still go, 'wow, what am I doing here??'
*being around my older brother defenitely brings out the little kid in me. We banter back and forth constantly!
... maybe it all balances out after all. :-)
9. I just realized that when the little sister of some other friends turns 16 I am going to be 29.
8. My mom has a temporary job with the Census, which isn't going to last very much longer, but still- isn't it the TEENAGER who is constantly leaving and going different places??
7. I don't get into a lot of popular TV shows. They're ok..but kind of boring in comparison with a great book. I rarely watch TV. I live what Groucho Marx said: "TV is very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go into the other room and read a book."
6. I'd say in general, for the most part anyway, my parents are highly trusting of me. They know that I'm not going to go out and drink, do drugs, or get myself pregnant. That's nice of course though, because trusting parents give a lot more freedoms.
5. I have occasionally been mistaken for Dad's wife when I'm out with him and Mom isn't there. Dad of course finds this incredibly humorous, and tells me it just shows that they think he has good taste! haha... okay, so I laugh about it too. ;-)
4. I've been mistaken for a college student (we live in a college town) since about age 10 or so.
3. I love classical music.
OK, I can't think of any more. Those are surely enough though. ;-) On the other hand, I can think of many reasons why I also feel really young. Like, for instance, I love a rowdy game of freeze tag. I also find other 'little kid games' like hide and seek (especially in the dark!)a lot of fun. I'm not in any particular hurry to move out of the house and assume adult responsibilities- though this might have something to do with not knowing what will happen to my horses! I still love being with family, which according to popular consensus is not cool for a teenager. Mom was worrying about my throat this morning, which has swelled up a little and is warm to touch, she thinks I might have mono or something like that. My reaction: how unfair to have the kissing disease and never been kissed!... though since that one has been my choice maybe it doesn't belong on the list.
what else...
*I still have a lot of my collection of breyer model horses.
* some movies designed for young kids I still love- like Veggie Tales, or Spirit. And I still listen to the kids radio program Adventures in Odyssey.
*sometimes I get in the drivers seat of a car and still go, 'wow, what am I doing here??'
*being around my older brother defenitely brings out the little kid in me. We banter back and forth constantly!
... maybe it all balances out after all. :-)
Today I am thankful for...
* sunshine!
* soft horse hair
* the colors of the world
* good friends
* prayer
* green M&M's (aka, 'happy pills'!)
* second chances
* peace
* good books
* 1 year of good health after surgery
* hugs
What's on your list today??
* soft horse hair
* the colors of the world
* good friends
* prayer
* green M&M's (aka, 'happy pills'!)
* second chances
* peace
* good books
* 1 year of good health after surgery
* hugs
What's on your list today??
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Enough
I spend time with some amazing people who I am honored to call friends. They each have something really, really special about them. They are wonderful people, and I love being with them. Occasionally though, my mind used to wander towards a me-centered attitude. No, it wasn't jealousy, not quite. I don't have a name for the feeling. Its a complicated combination- like, 'they are so ____ (talented, smart, funny, whatever)'. Then I started thinking, "hey, what can I do to get something that is special like that about me?" Then its time to start (in the figurative sense of course) hitting myself on the head with the truth that is with me, but sometimes forgotten: God is enough. He is ENOUGH. I don't have to be me, plus anything. I can just be me. He is enough. I am enough with Him. If I give myself completely over to Him, I have nothing to be worried about. There is nothing extra to do or to say or try to be.
That is not to say that there aren't responsibilities- I can think of several. Currently, I need to be faithful to God, honor my family, be there for my friends, be a faithful student, and be responsible to the tasks set before me by any of the above. But- there is no need to worry! I don't need to try to make myself into somebody different. God already is! He will work through me to make me who I am meant to be. Not who I think I 'should' be, based on people around me! And THAT is wonderful news. He is an incredible God. :-)
what is God working in you?
are you trying too hard to 'change yourself'?
That is not to say that there aren't responsibilities- I can think of several. Currently, I need to be faithful to God, honor my family, be there for my friends, be a faithful student, and be responsible to the tasks set before me by any of the above. But- there is no need to worry! I don't need to try to make myself into somebody different. God already is! He will work through me to make me who I am meant to be. Not who I think I 'should' be, based on people around me! And THAT is wonderful news. He is an incredible God. :-)
what is God working in you?
are you trying too hard to 'change yourself'?
Monday, April 27, 2009
A bouquet
A selection of several favorite quotes:
I had a very pleasant evening, though...there was no particular reason for it; but I do not think it worth while to wait for enjoyment until there is some real opportunity for it.
-Jane Austen
Read not to contradict, but to weigh and consider.
-Sir Francis Bacon
I gave in, and admitted that God was God and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England.
-C.S. Lewis
...If you had gone to Mohammed and asked, 'Are you Allah?' he would have first rent his clothes and then cut your head off...
the idea of a great moral teacher saying what Christ said is out of the question.
... You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon, or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.
-C.S. Lewis
If music be the food of love, play on.
-William Shakespeare
In what other language to people play at a recital, and recite at a play?
-Richard Lederer, from "Crazy English"
I had a very pleasant evening, though...there was no particular reason for it; but I do not think it worth while to wait for enjoyment until there is some real opportunity for it.
-Jane Austen
Read not to contradict, but to weigh and consider.
-Sir Francis Bacon
I gave in, and admitted that God was God and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England.
-C.S. Lewis
...If you had gone to Mohammed and asked, 'Are you Allah?' he would have first rent his clothes and then cut your head off...
the idea of a great moral teacher saying what Christ said is out of the question.
... You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon, or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.
-C.S. Lewis
If music be the food of love, play on.
-William Shakespeare
In what other language to people play at a recital, and recite at a play?
-Richard Lederer, from "Crazy English"
Saturday Horse Fun
(I just posted this on the Ride A Curly blog- http://rideacurly.blogspot.com/ - but decided to post it here as well)
Saturday some friends and I went up to Panther Creek, which is about an hour and a half away from us, for a nice long trail ride. I took Koko. No pics, so I'll try to use words. :-) We rode for about three hours. It was really windy, but the sun was shining and the horses didn't seem to mind a bit. We hadn't gone far before we saw four young deer in a field, and they came right towards us- we got to watch them for a few minutes. Shortly after that, Mariah, who was riding next to me, says in this really normal tone of voice, "there's a snake right there!" I was still looking back at the deer and it took a few seconds for the words to sink in. By then we were past it- Koko had, apparently, just missed it by a few inches. Whew! I can't believe I didn't even see it! It didn't bother him apparently, nor did the big, rather annoyed, black snake a few yards further down. Fortunately, those were the only snakes we saw.
We skirted around a few large puddles- Koko hates to get his feet wet when there is any way to avoid it. Because of the heavy rainfall, some of the trails were closed, but the park had opened up some of the snowmobiling trails, which we understood was very rare. Koko did end up having to get his feet wet after all, and I experienced my first creek crossing on a trail (probably his first too) Several of the others went in front, and after a few seconds of snorting and tap-dancing on the edge of the water he made a gigantic leap, landing squarely in the middle of the belly-deep (on him) creek. It was a blast!! We had a lot of fun crossing that creek. On the way back, I made him go across first, and he did very well. :-)
We went over lots of very hilly trail, because we were on the snowmobiling trails most of the time. It was very good conditioning for the horses. Koko was so good the whole time, I was very proud of him- no spooking at anything, though he saw some very different things from what he's used to being ridden at home, or in an arena! He gaited very well too. There was a large bridge to cross, with wooden planks that made a very odd echoing sound- the other horses refused to step onto it, so Koko went in the lead, no problems or hesitation. Apparently an echoing board across a steep drop-off is much safer than a two inch deep puddle!
I think he might just have the makings of an endurance/CTR horse. I didn't have anything to check his heartrate, but he cooled off right away, and when the other horses slowed down a little about halfway back he was still doing his long-strided power walk (and getting impatient when I kept making him stop to wait up on the others! They are not slow by any means in their walking, one is a big-strided TWH and the other is also fairly fast, but they were getting tired and ready to be done... not so Koko!) He just loved the whole experience. Nothing seemed to bother him, other than going through water when he didn't HAVE to, or stopping for the others. He didn't mind stopping in general when everyone was there- we got off once for a few minutes to let them rest their backs, and made a few other pauses- but he didn't see any reason to wait for the others. "They're coming! It's ok!" was what seemed to be his thoughts as he tossed his head and chewed on his bit.
All in all, it was really fun! We're defenitely planning on going back.
Saturday some friends and I went up to Panther Creek, which is about an hour and a half away from us, for a nice long trail ride. I took Koko. No pics, so I'll try to use words. :-) We rode for about three hours. It was really windy, but the sun was shining and the horses didn't seem to mind a bit. We hadn't gone far before we saw four young deer in a field, and they came right towards us- we got to watch them for a few minutes. Shortly after that, Mariah, who was riding next to me, says in this really normal tone of voice, "there's a snake right there!" I was still looking back at the deer and it took a few seconds for the words to sink in. By then we were past it- Koko had, apparently, just missed it by a few inches. Whew! I can't believe I didn't even see it! It didn't bother him apparently, nor did the big, rather annoyed, black snake a few yards further down. Fortunately, those were the only snakes we saw.
We skirted around a few large puddles- Koko hates to get his feet wet when there is any way to avoid it. Because of the heavy rainfall, some of the trails were closed, but the park had opened up some of the snowmobiling trails, which we understood was very rare. Koko did end up having to get his feet wet after all, and I experienced my first creek crossing on a trail (probably his first too) Several of the others went in front, and after a few seconds of snorting and tap-dancing on the edge of the water he made a gigantic leap, landing squarely in the middle of the belly-deep (on him) creek. It was a blast!! We had a lot of fun crossing that creek. On the way back, I made him go across first, and he did very well. :-)
We went over lots of very hilly trail, because we were on the snowmobiling trails most of the time. It was very good conditioning for the horses. Koko was so good the whole time, I was very proud of him- no spooking at anything, though he saw some very different things from what he's used to being ridden at home, or in an arena! He gaited very well too. There was a large bridge to cross, with wooden planks that made a very odd echoing sound- the other horses refused to step onto it, so Koko went in the lead, no problems or hesitation. Apparently an echoing board across a steep drop-off is much safer than a two inch deep puddle!
I think he might just have the makings of an endurance/CTR horse. I didn't have anything to check his heartrate, but he cooled off right away, and when the other horses slowed down a little about halfway back he was still doing his long-strided power walk (and getting impatient when I kept making him stop to wait up on the others! They are not slow by any means in their walking, one is a big-strided TWH and the other is also fairly fast, but they were getting tired and ready to be done... not so Koko!) He just loved the whole experience. Nothing seemed to bother him, other than going through water when he didn't HAVE to, or stopping for the others. He didn't mind stopping in general when everyone was there- we got off once for a few minutes to let them rest their backs, and made a few other pauses- but he didn't see any reason to wait for the others. "They're coming! It's ok!" was what seemed to be his thoughts as he tossed his head and chewed on his bit.
All in all, it was really fun! We're defenitely planning on going back.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Two by Chesterton
The really great man is the one who makes every man feel great.
-G.K. Chesterton
Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
-G.K. Chesterton
-G.K. Chesterton
Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
-G.K. Chesterton
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
the example of the bluebell
Yesterday I went down to the creek and dug up a bluebell to plant near the house. (photo from freestockphotos.com) I walked by the shed where I had planted it a few hours later, and much to my dismay, noticed that it was drooping and looked like it was wilting. I called mom and managed to completely scare her ( "is everything all right?" "sort of, but I think its dead" "WHAT'S dead??")She told me that bluebells are extremely difficult to transplant, and did I think I had gotten all of its taproot? I had no idea, but by this point was pretty sure I had killed it. I went and cut two of the flowers off and cut a few other flowers and made a small bouquet in a vase on the table. We might as well enjoy it for a little while anyway! Later, while doing some chores outside, I walked past and noted that it looked a lot perkier, though the one remaining flower was still laying over. By this morning, however, it was standing up and looking quite healthy. What had helped it was having to put less energy into those big beautiful flowers.
Lately I've been thinking about how dreadfully busy everyone is. Everyone seems to be in a huge hurry, always going, always doing, and very seldom taking time to ask questions like, "why?", "Is this important?", "is this really the best use of my time?", etc,etc. I'm going to be a junior in high school this fall, and in spite of being homeschooled, the busyness is getting worse and worse. There are so many expectations, some by me, some by my parents, and some by well-meaning aquaintances.
That bluebell was the perfect example to me of why I need to slow down and take a careful look at who I am, where I am, what I want to be, what my parents think are important, and most of all, who God wants me to be. It was only after it was cut back that the bluebell began to thrive. Maybe it would be a good idea to be careful of what gets my energy. It is surely better to grow strong and healthy with potential for many seasons of beautiful flowers than to try to do it all at once and only end up withering and fading away after a short time.
Quote(s) of the day
If we really believe what we say we believe- if we really think that home is elsewhere and that this life is 'wandering to find home', why should we not look forward to the arrival?
-C.S. Lewis
As an unbelieving fatalist I can only let my arms sink before the terrors of death.
-Sigmund Freud
which attitude would you rather have?
C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite men to quote. He had an incredibly brilliant mind and a unique ability to get straight to the heart of an issue. He also enjoyed having fun with academia, his chosen life pursuit. ...
When a too-solemn undergraduate propounded some highfalutin theory on the nature and function of imaginative literature, he would nod gravely and say, "Yes. Now how would you apply that to The Tale of Peter Rabbit?"
-Henry Blamires on C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
As an unbelieving fatalist I can only let my arms sink before the terrors of death.
-Sigmund Freud
which attitude would you rather have?
C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite men to quote. He had an incredibly brilliant mind and a unique ability to get straight to the heart of an issue. He also enjoyed having fun with academia, his chosen life pursuit. ...
When a too-solemn undergraduate propounded some highfalutin theory on the nature and function of imaginative literature, he would nod gravely and say, "Yes. Now how would you apply that to The Tale of Peter Rabbit?"
-Henry Blamires on C.S. Lewis
Monday, April 20, 2009
Quote of the Day #1
all music is folk music, I ain't never heard no horse sing a song.
-Louis Armstrong
-Louis Armstrong
The road of forgiveness (part two)
(note: this will not make sense without first reading part one)
It was very strange when, all of a sudden, Lee was almost completely out of my life. Then, I had nowhere to direct the anger I felt. It was almost completely hidden under the surface by that time, but still, even anger not shown needs an object. It was then I had to confront the real issues, especially my own heart!
I don't have a six-step plan to forgiveness or anything like that. It certainly wasn't that way for me, though I have no doubt that such plans can help some people. It had an order about it though, and I will try to put it down as it happened.
First and foremost, God had been working in me. As I mentioned, I still believed in Him through all of this, but He felt so very, very far away. The missions trip I was able to take to Lima Peru in 2007 was amazing on so many levels, but one of the most important things was that it brought me back to God on a deeper level than I had ever been before. I had studied a lot of apologetics, arguments on both sides of many subjects relating to worldview, the Bible, and science, and I believed the favor rested decidedly on the side of the basic christian worldview. But I had moved away in my heart- I doubted the goodness of God, without even realizing that was what I was doing. When I tried to describe how I felt before the trip to Peru, all I could come up with was labels like numb, and asleep- barely moving through existence. I believe I made the motions all right, but that was all. It would have been impossible to forgive Lee had I not allowed God re-entrance to direct my life. In fact, I hardly think I would have wanted to, or even thought about it.
After that, I had to face the lies I had been believing about myself and come to accept that they were not true. This was very difficult, but I began by reading what God said about worth and human value in the Bible. If I said I believed His word, I needed to show it by accepting it all. Then I allowed any compliments I received to be believed. This part is still a work in progress, since I usually feel that people are being too nice!
At the same time, I kept being struck by all the verses I was reading about forgiveness in the Bible. Things like the story of Joseph in Genesis 37 and 39-45, the unforgiving brother in the story of the Prodigal Son, and all the verses throughout the new testament writings. It was clear that I had to forgive. I had no idea where to start, so I began at the only logical place: with prayer.
I started out by saying things like, "God, help me to forgive him... but then you know how hard it is, I'm sure you understand why I just cannot at this time." But as it became more and more clear that I could not have joy in my life if I kept on being stubborn, my prayer gradually changed. I said instead, "God, I have decided to forgive him. I don't feel it yet though, please change my heart so I can feel it." I found out that, like love, forgiveness is not a feeling. Its nothing like a feeling at all. Married people may wake up in the morning and not feel in love, but they DO love because they made the choice to. They do not leave each other every time they don't feel the zing of emotions. Feelings come and go but the decision can remain constant. And if the decision is made, the feelings will follow. I have found that out. :-) Will I still feel like I forgive him if I see him tomorrow? I don't know. But I do know that I could look him in the face and say, "I forgive you." I'm sure there would be a huge emotional battle if I find out tomorrow that the court is sending him back to live with us. But the decision will never leave.
One of the huge things I struggled with was the thought that if I forgave, everything would have to be as it was before. I would feel happy when I saw him, there would be conversations and hanging out and joking and laughing. There was no conceivable way in my mind that that could happen. I can see now that the past never leaves- I cannot and should not pretend it never happened. If he ever came back, there would be a lot to rebuild, and I wouldn't try to do it all at once. Maybe the relationship would never be the same again. But that is completely different from freeing myself by forgiving.
Another thing I found was that unforgiveness cannot live peacefully with joy and happiness. One of them was going to have to win out, and I knew which of them I wanted to win! For forgiving someone, it helps to, again, CHOOSE joy and happiness. Happiness itself may come and go, but joy is a lasting thing that can remain no matter what the circumstances. It also helps very much to quit hiding and get out and enjoy life!! If there is a choice between taking a walk outside with your pet or sticking it out on a line and retreating indoors to a TV or computer, go outside. If you can meet with friends instead of emailing and IMing, by all means, do it.
The feeling of forgiveness is a journey, a road. The decision, though, can be made once and for all!
p.s. Unforgiveness is of the same species as hate. I imagine each has some of the other in it. This is a quote I found recently that succinctly sums up one of the important reasons to forgive: "Let go of that hate in your heart, it will kill you quicker than cancer." - Benny Carter
It was very strange when, all of a sudden, Lee was almost completely out of my life. Then, I had nowhere to direct the anger I felt. It was almost completely hidden under the surface by that time, but still, even anger not shown needs an object. It was then I had to confront the real issues, especially my own heart!
I don't have a six-step plan to forgiveness or anything like that. It certainly wasn't that way for me, though I have no doubt that such plans can help some people. It had an order about it though, and I will try to put it down as it happened.
First and foremost, God had been working in me. As I mentioned, I still believed in Him through all of this, but He felt so very, very far away. The missions trip I was able to take to Lima Peru in 2007 was amazing on so many levels, but one of the most important things was that it brought me back to God on a deeper level than I had ever been before. I had studied a lot of apologetics, arguments on both sides of many subjects relating to worldview, the Bible, and science, and I believed the favor rested decidedly on the side of the basic christian worldview. But I had moved away in my heart- I doubted the goodness of God, without even realizing that was what I was doing. When I tried to describe how I felt before the trip to Peru, all I could come up with was labels like numb, and asleep- barely moving through existence. I believe I made the motions all right, but that was all. It would have been impossible to forgive Lee had I not allowed God re-entrance to direct my life. In fact, I hardly think I would have wanted to, or even thought about it.
After that, I had to face the lies I had been believing about myself and come to accept that they were not true. This was very difficult, but I began by reading what God said about worth and human value in the Bible. If I said I believed His word, I needed to show it by accepting it all. Then I allowed any compliments I received to be believed. This part is still a work in progress, since I usually feel that people are being too nice!
At the same time, I kept being struck by all the verses I was reading about forgiveness in the Bible. Things like the story of Joseph in Genesis 37 and 39-45, the unforgiving brother in the story of the Prodigal Son, and all the verses throughout the new testament writings. It was clear that I had to forgive. I had no idea where to start, so I began at the only logical place: with prayer.
I started out by saying things like, "God, help me to forgive him... but then you know how hard it is, I'm sure you understand why I just cannot at this time." But as it became more and more clear that I could not have joy in my life if I kept on being stubborn, my prayer gradually changed. I said instead, "God, I have decided to forgive him. I don't feel it yet though, please change my heart so I can feel it." I found out that, like love, forgiveness is not a feeling. Its nothing like a feeling at all. Married people may wake up in the morning and not feel in love, but they DO love because they made the choice to. They do not leave each other every time they don't feel the zing of emotions. Feelings come and go but the decision can remain constant. And if the decision is made, the feelings will follow. I have found that out. :-) Will I still feel like I forgive him if I see him tomorrow? I don't know. But I do know that I could look him in the face and say, "I forgive you." I'm sure there would be a huge emotional battle if I find out tomorrow that the court is sending him back to live with us. But the decision will never leave.
One of the huge things I struggled with was the thought that if I forgave, everything would have to be as it was before. I would feel happy when I saw him, there would be conversations and hanging out and joking and laughing. There was no conceivable way in my mind that that could happen. I can see now that the past never leaves- I cannot and should not pretend it never happened. If he ever came back, there would be a lot to rebuild, and I wouldn't try to do it all at once. Maybe the relationship would never be the same again. But that is completely different from freeing myself by forgiving.
Another thing I found was that unforgiveness cannot live peacefully with joy and happiness. One of them was going to have to win out, and I knew which of them I wanted to win! For forgiving someone, it helps to, again, CHOOSE joy and happiness. Happiness itself may come and go, but joy is a lasting thing that can remain no matter what the circumstances. It also helps very much to quit hiding and get out and enjoy life!! If there is a choice between taking a walk outside with your pet or sticking it out on a line and retreating indoors to a TV or computer, go outside. If you can meet with friends instead of emailing and IMing, by all means, do it.
The feeling of forgiveness is a journey, a road. The decision, though, can be made once and for all!
p.s. Unforgiveness is of the same species as hate. I imagine each has some of the other in it. This is a quote I found recently that succinctly sums up one of the important reasons to forgive: "Let go of that hate in your heart, it will kill you quicker than cancer." - Benny Carter
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Road of Forgiveness (part one)
This is an odd subject to start a blog off with, nevertheless it seems important. So many people I know are struggling to forgive somebody- maybe it's their parents, who divorced, or a friend who betrayed them in some way, or a bully, or perhaps even themselves. I'm going to share my story in hopes that it might help someone else who is struggling to forgive. I've been there- not because of my parents divorcing (they are very much together) or a friends betrayal, though betrayal is an element of it. It is my brother, who was adopted into our family when we were both 11. I had been basically an only child since the youngest of my two brothers is 11 years older than me. I was so excited to have a sibling! My parents had been working through the adoption process and red tape for years, in fact Lee had been living with us for several years as a foster child before the adoption went through. Everything went well for awhile, just as it had in the years before he was adopted. Slowly though, things began to change. I'm not going to go into all the details of everything that happened, or anything really that isn't relevant to why I needed to forgive him.
He began to, basically, get himself into a lot of trouble. He would refuse to be told what to do by mom or dad, though dad's influence lasted a little longer. It tore me apart to watch my family being ripped apart. For awhile, I cried constantly and prayed, but as time went on I began to grow numb to everything and hide inside myself. Not many people knew what was really happening, because he was/is an expert at being two-faced, and especially at telling counselors and teachers everything that they wanted to hear. No one would believe me, in fact I remember vividly being chewed out by extended family members for not being more understanding of him.
Truly, those few years were as close a thing as I can imagine to living in a hell on earth. He didn't do much to me physically- in the first place for awhile I was still bigger than him, in the second place it was hard for him to get away with that. I had a few bruises every once in awhile, though the biggest thing I remember is the night he suddenly grew angry and tried to strangle me. Mostly, though, he hurt where no one could see- with his words. I heard more swear and derogatory words from him than anyone else, and they were usually directed at either me or mom. The worst part was his attacks on everything I loved most- God, family, friends, horses, music, etc- and he wouldn't miss a chance to make fun of me. My doorway was his daily stop on the way home from school to his room. He would stand and whisper just loud enough for me to hear, things like ugly, monster, stupid, fat cow, fatso, and whore were phrases I heard applied to me on a daily basis. Those were the more polite ones that I can bring myself to write. Today it still amazes me to look in the mirror and see an average girl, a few flaws, a few nice features, and not overweight either. For well over a year, anytime I looked in the mirror I truly saw a person resembling a blimp with a grotesque face, who everyone really hated but were nice enough to pretend to like. Needless to say, I may have believed in God at that point but I had no relationship with Him. I had let my anchor get kicked out and had no basis for believing I had worth.
I remember one time I made the mistake of mentioning in his presence that my biggest dream was someday to marry and have a family, a vegetable garden, pets, the whole works. (that still is my dream!) He unfortunately had a good ear for anything he knew would hurt me. His new favorite comments after that was that no man would want me, after all, couldn't I see that I was the most ugly girl on earth? In fact, maybe I wasn't a girl, but some sort of she-male, no, better yet, just "it". I would be a terrible mother. I wouldn't even make a good prostitute... on and on it went.
It has been over two years since Lee has lived at home. For the first year, Dad decided for the sake of family safety to live with Lee in town. Then after following some dumb actions on his part Lee ended up in the hospital a few times and then at a emergency foster home where he still is.
So- he is gone. But what to do now with the hurt left behind? Where should I begin picking up the pieces? I'll write about forgiving him on the next post. It was not easy by any means of the word! But, it was very very important. Not forgiving someone is like a poison, and it will eat away at you. I think that is where a lot of Lee's problems came from to begin with. He became part of a new family, but had never forgiven his biological family.
More to come- and some more light-hearted posts too!
He began to, basically, get himself into a lot of trouble. He would refuse to be told what to do by mom or dad, though dad's influence lasted a little longer. It tore me apart to watch my family being ripped apart. For awhile, I cried constantly and prayed, but as time went on I began to grow numb to everything and hide inside myself. Not many people knew what was really happening, because he was/is an expert at being two-faced, and especially at telling counselors and teachers everything that they wanted to hear. No one would believe me, in fact I remember vividly being chewed out by extended family members for not being more understanding of him.
Truly, those few years were as close a thing as I can imagine to living in a hell on earth. He didn't do much to me physically- in the first place for awhile I was still bigger than him, in the second place it was hard for him to get away with that. I had a few bruises every once in awhile, though the biggest thing I remember is the night he suddenly grew angry and tried to strangle me. Mostly, though, he hurt where no one could see- with his words. I heard more swear and derogatory words from him than anyone else, and they were usually directed at either me or mom. The worst part was his attacks on everything I loved most- God, family, friends, horses, music, etc- and he wouldn't miss a chance to make fun of me. My doorway was his daily stop on the way home from school to his room. He would stand and whisper just loud enough for me to hear, things like ugly, monster, stupid, fat cow, fatso, and whore were phrases I heard applied to me on a daily basis. Those were the more polite ones that I can bring myself to write. Today it still amazes me to look in the mirror and see an average girl, a few flaws, a few nice features, and not overweight either. For well over a year, anytime I looked in the mirror I truly saw a person resembling a blimp with a grotesque face, who everyone really hated but were nice enough to pretend to like. Needless to say, I may have believed in God at that point but I had no relationship with Him. I had let my anchor get kicked out and had no basis for believing I had worth.
I remember one time I made the mistake of mentioning in his presence that my biggest dream was someday to marry and have a family, a vegetable garden, pets, the whole works. (that still is my dream!) He unfortunately had a good ear for anything he knew would hurt me. His new favorite comments after that was that no man would want me, after all, couldn't I see that I was the most ugly girl on earth? In fact, maybe I wasn't a girl, but some sort of she-male, no, better yet, just "it". I would be a terrible mother. I wouldn't even make a good prostitute... on and on it went.
It has been over two years since Lee has lived at home. For the first year, Dad decided for the sake of family safety to live with Lee in town. Then after following some dumb actions on his part Lee ended up in the hospital a few times and then at a emergency foster home where he still is.
So- he is gone. But what to do now with the hurt left behind? Where should I begin picking up the pieces? I'll write about forgiving him on the next post. It was not easy by any means of the word! But, it was very very important. Not forgiving someone is like a poison, and it will eat away at you. I think that is where a lot of Lee's problems came from to begin with. He became part of a new family, but had never forgiven his biological family.
More to come- and some more light-hearted posts too!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
