The road of forgiveness (part two)

(note: this will not make sense without first reading part one)

It was very strange when, all of a sudden, Lee was almost completely out of my life. Then, I had nowhere to direct the anger I felt. It was almost completely hidden under the surface by that time, but still, even anger not shown needs an object. It was then I had to confront the real issues, especially my own heart!
I don't have a six-step plan to forgiveness or anything like that. It certainly wasn't that way for me, though I have no doubt that such plans can help some people. It had an order about it though, and I will try to put it down as it happened.
First and foremost, God had been working in me. As I mentioned, I still believed in Him through all of this, but He felt so very, very far away. The missions trip I was able to take to Lima Peru in 2007 was amazing on so many levels, but one of the most important things was that it brought me back to God on a deeper level than I had ever been before. I had studied a lot of apologetics, arguments on both sides of many subjects relating to worldview, the Bible, and science, and I believed the favor rested decidedly on the side of the basic christian worldview. But I had moved away in my heart- I doubted the goodness of God, without even realizing that was what I was doing. When I tried to describe how I felt before the trip to Peru, all I could come up with was labels like numb, and asleep- barely moving through existence. I believe I made the motions all right, but that was all. It would have been impossible to forgive Lee had I not allowed God re-entrance to direct my life. In fact, I hardly think I would have wanted to, or even thought about it.
After that, I had to face the lies I had been believing about myself and come to accept that they were not true. This was very difficult, but I began by reading what God said about worth and human value in the Bible. If I said I believed His word, I needed to show it by accepting it all. Then I allowed any compliments I received to be believed. This part is still a work in progress, since I usually feel that people are being too nice!
At the same time, I kept being struck by all the verses I was reading about forgiveness in the Bible. Things like the story of Joseph in Genesis 37 and 39-45, the unforgiving brother in the story of the Prodigal Son, and all the verses throughout the new testament writings. It was clear that I had to forgive. I had no idea where to start, so I began at the only logical place: with prayer.
I started out by saying things like, "God, help me to forgive him... but then you know how hard it is, I'm sure you understand why I just cannot at this time." But as it became more and more clear that I could not have joy in my life if I kept on being stubborn, my prayer gradually changed. I said instead, "God, I have decided to forgive him. I don't feel it yet though, please change my heart so I can feel it." I found out that, like love, forgiveness is not a feeling. Its nothing like a feeling at all. Married people may wake up in the morning and not feel in love, but they DO love because they made the choice to. They do not leave each other every time they don't feel the zing of emotions. Feelings come and go but the decision can remain constant. And if the decision is made, the feelings will follow. I have found that out. :-) Will I still feel like I forgive him if I see him tomorrow? I don't know. But I do know that I could look him in the face and say, "I forgive you." I'm sure there would be a huge emotional battle if I find out tomorrow that the court is sending him back to live with us. But the decision will never leave.
One of the huge things I struggled with was the thought that if I forgave, everything would have to be as it was before. I would feel happy when I saw him, there would be conversations and hanging out and joking and laughing. There was no conceivable way in my mind that that could happen. I can see now that the past never leaves- I cannot and should not pretend it never happened. If he ever came back, there would be a lot to rebuild, and I wouldn't try to do it all at once. Maybe the relationship would never be the same again. But that is completely different from freeing myself by forgiving.
Another thing I found was that unforgiveness cannot live peacefully with joy and happiness. One of them was going to have to win out, and I knew which of them I wanted to win! For forgiving someone, it helps to, again, CHOOSE joy and happiness. Happiness itself may come and go, but joy is a lasting thing that can remain no matter what the circumstances. It also helps very much to quit hiding and get out and enjoy life!! If there is a choice between taking a walk outside with your pet or sticking it out on a line and retreating indoors to a TV or computer, go outside. If you can meet with friends instead of emailing and IMing, by all means, do it.

The feeling of forgiveness is a journey, a road. The decision, though, can be made once and for all!

p.s. Unforgiveness is of the same species as hate. I imagine each has some of the other in it. This is a quote I found recently that succinctly sums up one of the important reasons to forgive: "Let go of that hate in your heart, it will kill you quicker than cancer." - Benny Carter